And I'll Fight
by Cozzybob
Summary: Relena contemplates suicide while sitting on her throne during the war. An old ficlet that I'm reposting, my first attempt at Relena's POV.


**And I'll Fight**  
by cozzybob

**Pairs: **none ...but possible 1-R if you're really desperate  
**Disclaimer: **Don't own Relena, and yes, before you ask, I would enjoy that. nods**  
Archive: **Yes. Please ask. Please?**  
Warning: **Relena thinks about suicide (no, really!!), angst, possible spoilers for the series, and some... stuff. Nothing major.

**Note: **Fairly old. Takes place when Relena was Queen of the World Nation.

* * *

They do not understand me. How do you understand a woman who preaches peace in the cost of bloodless swords and formal curses... a woman--a girl--who believes that war can be won without death and bloodshed?

They've forced me to sit on this throne and play their queen. They've forced me to give these speeches, to lead these people into a fake peace so the man behind me, the one that holds the key to my chains, my freedom, may rule me, use me, molest me as a whore for the world and it's colonies. They do not understand me. They believe that I will call for my knight, beg him to save me from my high tower window in the twilight. They believe that I will break, that I will let them take me and use me in the way they've found permissible. They believe that total peace can only be attained in the hands of complete monarchy, a forced pacifism for the world where all suffer under the grip of one psychotic killer drunk on power and control. They think they can control me. They think they can use me.

They do not know who I am. I am Relena Peacecraft. I've finally learned my real name and I will not let them take that away from me.

They wanted a war? I was born in war. I have died in war. Peacecraft was dead. I was dead. But I'm now I'm Queen.

What right do I have to claim peace in the presence of my own filthy hands? I have not killed, I have never ordered death, but I have seen it, I have felt it, I was dead... my name was dead for so many years, I had forgotten I even owned such a thing. Darlian to Peacecraft. Foreign Vice Minister to princess. Princess to queen. Queen of the World Nation. Queen of Sank?

They do not know me. There are two who know me, and they will not save me. I must save myself. I am not a little girl anymore. They've taken that away from me.

Or have they?

I won't deny it. I want him to accept me. I want to him save me and take me away in the fairy tale fashion and love me. But he won't. He never will and that doesn't hurt me. That doesn't sway me. I don't care for love so much, I simply want to know him and who he is under that heavy stone mask. I've hunted him down, chased him, foolishly landed him into terrible trouble and for what? So that he may threaten me time and time again? He says that he will kill me. That would be a privilege.

I've seen him, chased him for years. We've run into each other before this war, I've seen him... I know it was him. I do. He was the one at my school all those years ago, and the one that saved my father Darlian from assassination on L1 months previous. I know it was him. I saw him, I felt him, and even through the hand covering his face, I know it was him. There is none other like him, and despite all appearances, I'd say that he knows I'm right.

Should the poor Miss Relena slit her wrists and bloody this pretty throne in order to do the world a favor? If I committed suicide, a war would rage in one great writhing mass, a thing of disgusting loss with millions of casualties, millions of statics, millions of paper-printed deaths. But then, at least, they would know who I am, what I've done and what they've done to me in order to cause this in the first place. Could I handle becoming a martyr? Can I? In many ways, I already am.

War. If I committed my own death, it would happen. I would be free, and they would die. Strange to think that I would contemplate killing myself in the first place, but I have been threatened into death so many times, I can hardly fear it anymore. Death is a thing I would take willingly. I do not want the pressures of monarchy, I'm too young to rule a nation of people, let alone the entire world.

And how old am I, anyway? Fifteen? Sixteen? I don't remember anymore. Thinking back, I can't believe that I made such a big deal about my birthday in the first place. It is such a basic thing. To think I wouldn't be on this throne if Heero hadn't torn his invitation and threatened me. I was shocked, I was hurt, I was admittedly curious, but never did I think I would follow him through half the Earth Sphere to see him fight and save me over and over again... only to threaten my life afterward.

Isn't it ironic that he--my so-called knight--would endlessly fight against Milliardo in duels to the death, when it's my brother Milliardo who has cared for my safety moreso in the end? My brother is my one true enemy. This is beyond sibling rivalry. He has given his life to me and taken the road of a bloodstained psychopath... an enemy to all humanity. It is his effort to unite them once and for all, and he is willing to throw away his name, his character, his humanity and his ideals in order to commit it. He is a far better person than I could ever be. So why am I the one sitting on this throne?

Perhaps there is more to life. They know I would never kill myself, and I know Heero would never kill me. Not yet, anyway. The war isn't over. I must win the peace first. They trust me for that. Strange, isn't it?

No. I won't die. I'll live.

And I'll fight.

--_Fini_


End file.
